Fascination With the Will

At this very moment my mind is listening to music play through these speakers that I can see right in front of me, and all the while my brain is sending a thousand different signals to a thousand different places.  It does this so fluidly and naturally that I tend to not realize it happens in every single moment of my life.  My ability to concentrate on the meaning of all of these words while my brain is sending signals back and forth to my hands and finger tips to write and push the right keys on this keyboard is amazing.  The more I am familiar with the sequences or progression the faster my brain sends these signals, and there it is.  Autonomous function of my will, I decide what I ultimately do with this amazing machine that is a brain.  All of the power to decided to do something is locked inside my will power, it is who I am, who my character is.  Sometimes I forget that it will automatically do something because I am familiar with it, not because it is my ultimate decision.  Sometimes I do things that I don't agree with, but that my sequencing of doing things in life has become so programmed without me having to manually override a decision, I just follow along with its pathway until I recognize that was not what I wanted to do or say.  It is amazing how that works.  A cognitive dissonance, and I'm all overwhelmed by what I just did or said that wasn't intended.  I need to correct it or overwrite it, I need to figure out what that was.  I think we forget how much power we behold because of the will to do what we want to, not what we ought to, what we as individuals want to.  It is scary at times, to imagine a creator who knew outright that he has created this, this was his will.  His decision to make a group of peoples with their own unique will, the individuality that makes us all unique and yet the same.  I feel my heart beat to the pattern it has been programmed to match by some internal measurement, and I feel the air, actually sit in the quiet and feel the air go through my nose or mouth, any airway path, and it fills my lungs.  My body moves all around me without me having to blink for it to all work correspondingly with other elements my body is participating in.  Vision in itself is unexplainable to me.  It is a fascinating function of the body, external movies being played right in front of me all the time, internally.  Endless amounts of functions that are amazing, and I take them all for granted most of the time with my will to do what I want.  I have programmed a lazy will.  All of these amazing things we can do as people, all of the amazing things we can accomplish with the amount of will power working together.  All of these things we represent everyday inside of being a human creation.  It has occurred to me that God is fascinated as well by what he has created, because I wouldn't be designed the way I am if is wasn't for the fascination of a creator to make something totally out of his own will to make something its own.  With its own functions and structures to work how they will when programmed or wired the way we are as individuals.  It also occurred to me, or more God presented me with the simple mesmerizing idea of creation, it is like he wants in all creation to see ourselves and the world as a wonderment, an amazement of fascination all around us, all the colors, all the scents, all the textures, all of things that make us feel as real as we ever possibly could, God wants everyone to know that and all its elements.  Then in that very same moment, he wraps up all of those ideas, all of those feelings, all of those memories, all of those functions I contain in my body, all of the amazement we have seen or experienced, and he tosses it to the side of the room or existence.  I am in disbelief at this action.  Why would you throw all of that away, that is all I know, all that I can function in.  In an overwhelming moment I understand God's revelation to me.  Jeremy I could create this or something even more extravagant if that is what I wanted, I can put it back into existence whenever I please.  What I want is your will to be for me.  What I cannot and will not ever control is your FREE will to be who you decide.  Out of all the amazing things I have designed your body to do, the outside world to do, all of it pales in comparison to your love being intertwined with mine.  It is always the will that is the simplest idea behind everything we are, and of course it is the one thing I would suspect last that God cares about or is in love with, fascinated with.  It is what makes me me, and God's wants that.  All of the things we have been given control over and can do, but it is the will that makes the difference of who we will be.  It cannot be taken or stolen, that's the beauty of the will.  It can only be given by its choice to do so.  God is relentless in demonstrating his beautiful wish for my existence.

Nothing like him...

People say we have the same curl in our smiles, but I am nothing like him; I swear to God.  All the things I hate, he almost represents them all.  The same blood runs through my veins, but it's not the same.  It can't be.  Heart filled with hate and anger hurts everyone around him, including himself.   I've learned the same tactics, but I am nothing like him.  Hate makes you hate until all you know is how to hate.  Love is unparalleled.  It knows no bounds or exceptions of stopping, it just is and does what it is.  I know he loves some things, but his hate comes out more easily than anything else.  I am nothing like him, right?  I look in the mirror and don't see his face, but a multifaceted complexion of things I have learned from him.  It's burned into my mind like it's on rewind everyday and every night, it's a rerun again.  I don't want to see it because it's not me, but if it is I'll change me before I except how it is. Adjustments are only beneficial if they make a better person, but some changes are easier than others.  Some are for the better, and some don't feel like a choice; more a born into character flaw.  I am nothing like him; I fight it everyday.  Unlearning something is harder than learning something; it's a choice to try to forget and move on.  Making sure you know the reason you are choosing to forget, to change, to make something different, that is the most important part.  The hope in my heart is making a full turn.  My roots weren't the best, but I can still see a peek of sunlight.  When it shines on me, I am nothing like him.  I came from somewhere, but it doesn't feel like it was a home.  The only thing that matters is I have the right light.  It leads me out of the dark like a small tree surrounded by taller trees blocking the light.  I know to follow the light, I know the light gives me life, and I know the light will challenge me to grow, but it is the love of the light that will change me.  At some point, on some day, I won't have to wonder if I am nothing like him.

My father's love in comparison...

I miss the opportunities that existed for you to be there for me in my life.  To support me, to love me, to talk with me, and to know me as a person.  I often feel this bound up tightness in my chest that seems to be the idea that I failed somehow in your decisions to not be my father.  It seems I'm still a little boy in that sense of my life.  I don't know what I did, and I don't know how to fix it.  Lost in desolation in that place.  I still feel some sort of anxiety of whether I belong in my own life, whether I belong to anything.  I still often remember the soft and yet strong embrace I once had as a child in your arms, but now it seems more like a vivid dream than an actual memory of what I felt.  It isn't so much that I can't deal with the circumstances of what has been, it is more that I cannot comprehend a reason why you choose to be this way, other than it must be me.

Every opportunity I have to let you know me more and I to know you I won't miss.  I have known somewhere inside of me you are here, you are here to support me, to love me, to cherish me, to listen to me, and to somehow make yourself present in my existence.  I often feel this overwhelming looseness in my chest that seems to be the idea that I cannot do anything to fail or overcome your love for me, and you will always be my father.  I am still a small boy in the sense of believing you are always holding me, and I didn't do anything for you it is just because you love me.  I get a sense of belonging to something, finally I fit in this spot, not only fit, it was molded for me, my existence is that spot of belonging in your love for me.  In what seems to always be a dream that you are here with me is now taking part of my reality, it is becoming more truth in my life than it is a hopeful belief.  It isn't so much that I can't deal with the circumstances of what has been, it is more that I cannot comprehend a reason why you choose to love me this way, why you choose to be my father, why you choose to save my life from myself mostly, why you choose to let me rest in your love, why you choose to show me another side of life, why you choose to have me, other than it must be me.

Enduring prayer

My heart knows the truth, that with every heartbeat I am here because you love me.  My mind is distracted from the truth, by every new action that exists causes another reaction for my mind to be contained with distraction.  Clear my mind, renew my heart, and wash my soul in your love, and I'll be full of peace and righteousness.  I'll know your love has not abandoned me.  I have abandoned your loving grasp of my life, but I wish to try, try, and try again.  I know your grace and love makes this a possible reality, not just a beggar's wish.  So I beg; try, try, and try again with your enduring love.

Got an Itch

Shaping the gift of a relationship with God is extremely hard.  It is probably the hardest thing I will ever try to do.  Currently I am wondering about the idea of living a disciplined life with God.  I understand the idea that I am a sinful person, or I live in a fallen world therefore I will ultimately live a fallen life.  I struggle with idea behind the discipline.  If I am disciplined, it means I will adhere to God's conviction in my life.  But is that really me?  Is that my core self being myself, or am I just disciplined enough to follow God's path of righteousness.  I can always understand the idea that when I struggle to not point something about someone else, or do something that God does not approve of that it takes discipline for me to decide to follow him over my fallen human way.  I get that.  Why can't I ever just not have those fixations to do something against God if that is who I truly am?  Why do I have to be at opposite ends with myself, and myself as a disciplined "follower?" It is like constantly having an itch that you want to scratch, but you know you shouldn't because it will ultimately lead you to keep scratching.  Or it will somehow make the next itch far easier to reach and just scratch.  I struggle with finding my true identity in the mix, which I am sure I am not the only one and won't be the last.  It is just the frustration of trying to understand why I can't have my identity in God or know myself through God's eyes to the point of not really needed to notice that something itches.  I am finding that most struggles usually relate to not allowing God completely in my life.  It is only possible for me to be undisciplined without God in my life.  So, maybe it isn't so much that I am acting out of discipline or not, just that I am trusting God with my life, my core identity to the point of knowing what is truth and what isn't.  If I don't allow God to present my identity for what it is, it is the only other option to try to let it surface somewhere else that isn't correct.  I tend to get confused with this seemingly grey area.  I think if I didn't want to do things against God I wouldn't have this problem, so why do I want to do things that I shouldn't do.  Well, I usually start to itch when I am uncomfortable, and I am usually uncomfortable when I know I am not following God's truth in my life but following my own ideas.  Maybe an itch isn't always an itch, but an uncomfortable twinge of recognition that I am starting to go into uncharted areas and leaving someone behind.  My discipline should be more focused on keeping God in the forefront of my life, rather than wondering why I am making fallen choices in a fallen world.

A place where I can go

If there is somewhere I could drive to meet you, I would drive until the sun went down and the moon and stars disappear into tomorrow, just to see you.

If there is a long enough distances for me to run to finally meet you, I would run until I knew you were there.

If there is a path for me to walk on that leads me to your arms, I would walk until I could finally feel your embrace.

If there is a place I can go, somewhere, anywhere, I will go to be with you.  Eternally I will keep following you to this place.  A place where I'm no longer alone.  A place where I know you love me because I just know you do.  A place where I can finally rest.  The idea of rest makes me want to fall asleep and meet you in my dreams.  A place where I no longer yearn for you because I am there with you.  A place where dreams are the illusion, and you consume my thoughts.  A place where the father becomes the son, and the son becomes the father.  A place where I know the truth of my life.  A place where I become me; a me that has always been in your spoken words of truth.  A place where I stop and you begin.  A place I can call home.  A place where love is the only language to be spoken, thought, and enjoyed.  A place where my pace is no longer its own, but it's running with yours.  A place to know only my core, my soul, and the name you will call me.  A place to be a son.  A place to sit in your presence and be home.  If there is a place I can go, somewhere, anywhere, I'll see you there.

It's a Problem

I had to do this stupid training for work the other day, well I thought it was stupid.  It was about lean thinking and how to perform your job better, I guess.  While I was trying to get myself to pay attention to the annoying person they had doing the voice for the training, I actually heard something that made so much sense to me out of nowhere.  It was talking about how we need to know what we are doing wrong to make progress, and we have to understand our problems to fix them and make things better.  If you don't have a problem, that's a problem.  That sentence really hit me.  I really sat and thought how I was raised to deal with problems, or difficulties that I will face.  I realized that I was shown frequently that when you have a problem with something or someone, you get rid of it or them and start over.  I never learned that problems can be good because you can grow something or make something better.  You can see problems and struggles and learn to correct them.  That's how life really works.  You can't afford to scrap everything and start over, especially the older you get.  I realized if I am to really believe in something at my core, which is what I would say I do with God, then I should reflect what I believe to be true.  What a disturbing thought that is.  I reflect a character that doesn't try very hard at most things, and gives up on the challenging and vulnerable tasks only to start all over again.  I don't think I would believe in God if that is what God was like.  I should grow in that relationship enough to learn that God hasn't given up or replaced me just because I have problems, or I am difficult to deal with.  God still loves me thoroughly because that is who God is.  He wants to deal with the problems to make a better me, but I have to be able to admit the problems to work them out.  I have to understand they exist to show me a different way than the one that consistently doesn't work.  It's a problem to not have problems, and I got problems.

Sin comes over more sin

I along with probably many people believe that I can withhold my sin from my own life. I can somehow say that my sins are not controlling me, I am just making poor decisions from time to time, but sin is not my ruler, I am. It is false. I am not my own ruler, or if I am I rule myself foolishly in believing I can conquer sin with more sin. I can make myself believe that what I am doing isn't actually sin, or what I am doing is not going to always be what I do. Although that may be true, maybe someday I won't be making the same mistakes; it is a mistake to assume that my sin doesn't over power me to make sinful decisions. It is my sinful nature that drives me to cover up my wrong doings with more wrong doings. It is consuming my spirit into nothingness, breaking my spirit into believing the sin I am choosing is not that bad, or it is not abnormal, so it is ok. I don't want to be ok, or normal. I want to be abnormal with God. I can no longer admit that I rule over myself. I can no longer dismiss the idea that my sins have over powered me into believing I can stop whenever I choose or I am actually ruling over myself. Who would choose this life of death if they were truly aware of what it means. I will sleep in death, but by my own consciousness. I believe sin drives all of us to reverse what we see as holy and pure. Nobody wants to be their own judge and judge rightly. It is too hard to break ourselves down, and then understand God's grace. It is far easier to let sin rule its sinful way; by telling yourself that whatever your sin is, it is not in control over you, it possess no power over you, and you can decide to stop and go back the other way at anytime. More and more and more sin, equates to more and more and more imprisonment to sin. The only way to stop sin, is to stop sinning. Simple, but it is impossible to do on our own. I need God's love to show me how to understand that if I keep pretending that sin holds no power over me, then I will eventually give myself over completely to sin. I have to choose God's grace to protect me from the wayward ways of my life. I cannot not live in sin, I cannot live in believing that I rule over sin, and I cannot ignore God's call for me to make a choice into giving my control over to him. I cannot do it on my own anymore. I keep ending in failure, brokenness, and hopelessness. Graces comes over more grace, and it is always stronger than sin. God's love will always prevail over sin if I choose to listen to his grace over my own sin.

Mistaken Love

Mistakes or wrong choices in life, most of the time, are what breaks down and destroys one's own soul. I don't know how it works exactly, because I am sure anyone who has been ashamed or felt remorse for a mistake would choose not to feel the unwavering torment that you are no longer innocent. You're broken inside from all of the mistakes and wrong doings, and no matter how hard you try to be better or different nothing will make it disappear or be forgotten. It is something your body and brain react to together, making yourself feel so worthless. If you could control it, those feelings, you would certainly go easier on yourself, but you can't control it and it is always written on your life. If your life is a mural, it is so disorganized and smeared that you sometimes don't recognize it. That is the kind of guilt and shame I am talking about, the kind you can't say oh everyone does that, or I didn't know any better, or have an excuse for it at all. It is in those times, those moments, that you feel alone and unlovable. There is no explanation for it or why you do things that are just wrong. We all have a need to be seen or feel like we are perfect, and maybe that is the feeling when we do wrong it is just one step closer to being imperfect. So, once you make a mistake and screw up you are no longer perfect, you are no longer innocent. I think that is when we don't see a way out and just keep doing things to cover the pain of that self rejection or try to forget it. I never get over this part of finding God right in the middle of my messy ugly imperfect life. I am so unfaithful to God's love towards me, I have mistaken his love for me no matter what I do. His love breaks down that barrier of needing to be perfect, or needing to be innocent. I am not sure that God forgets what I have done more than he loves me with all of my mistakes and wrong choices. I wouldn't be me without all my choices, and mistakes are choices I have made. I believe God accepts what I have done, and knows deep down inside I punish myself more than anyone else could. Instead of dismissing me to an eternal hellish dwelling along with my mistakes, instead of simply rewriting over my own existence and saying he has forgotten, I think and hope Jesus shows up all messy and unorganized like a child who doesn't judge me for being mistaken, and just hugs me for who I am. Deep in that love I'll forget what I have done, God won't, but I will. I know I am with and for him and he is with me. That makes me perfect enough.

Stolen Identity

I know deep in my being who I am. I know who I am to identify with and listen too, but I lose my concentration to focus on what is true. Someone stole my identity, my place in this world is being replaced by a me that wasn't suppose to exist. That me is a person who knows itself but is so lost that it cannot find what is true or false about itself. I've some how been hurt into being this person; a person just existing without purpose. I know somewhere I believe what it is true for a moment, but then it is painted over with all the ugliness in my life. I don't know how to get back what has been taken from me. I don't know how to get back the pieces of me that I have given away. Maybe my purpose is finding this person I am suppose to be, instead of a reflection of someone who used to be here. I love God with all my heart, but I know nothing about what love takes to stay constant. I keep losing that battle with myself and who I want to be. I know the truth is for me to grow I have to hold on to my belief that God loves me and he is right here with me. I can't give up and I can't afford to lack the trust to keep existing this way. I have stolen my own Identity to become someone I am not, but I am who I am. Which one is it, which one will I fully become? Will I always exist in this hybrid of the two? No I cannot. I must struggle through the pain to find someone old and someone new.

Everything for Nothing

As a human, sometimes I get this funny idea that I am pretty great. I sometimes think that I can do a lot of great things for other people; I could help save humanity or something. I get the idea that it is me, that I create that ability somehow to help people. I take the credit for the good I do, but if I do nothing or I do wrong, I then question God and how this whole idea of life operates. I forget that I am just a human being, I forget that I am incapable of doing these things without serving my own purpose. I have to first die to myself and live for Christ, it is the only true way to accomplish anything by his own means. I can be a part of the body, but never the whole. It was just made clear to me, that while I am still adjusting to this life of love and sacrifice, I am not used to being anything for anyone. I grew up with the idea that nobody does anything for anyone else without the motivation for something in return. At least I have not experienced different from that idea. Not to take credit away from my own parents, but sometimes I think responsibility played the part of being a parent more than loving a child. Maybe that's the human capacity at times, to love someone is just being responsible for them. After all the processing, I was enlightened that God became a person, just as I, for no other reason than to love me. Becoming a nobody, to die for every rotten thing on this planet( basically all things), and it was all for nothing; So that I have a chance at love with the father. All have a chance at love with the father. I love underdog stories for this very reason, nobody believes in them up until the end when they understand the meaning of their triumphant win. It means, no matter the circumstance, no matter how far of a long shot it may seem, and no matter how much people don't believe, all have a shot. All have a reason for hope because it is the fathers love for everything, and we get it for nothing.