My father's love in comparison...

I miss the opportunities that existed for you to be there for me in my life.  To support me, to love me, to talk with me, and to know me as a person.  I often feel this bound up tightness in my chest that seems to be the idea that I failed somehow in your decisions to not be my father.  It seems I'm still a little boy in that sense of my life.  I don't know what I did, and I don't know how to fix it.  Lost in desolation in that place.  I still feel some sort of anxiety of whether I belong in my own life, whether I belong to anything.  I still often remember the soft and yet strong embrace I once had as a child in your arms, but now it seems more like a vivid dream than an actual memory of what I felt.  It isn't so much that I can't deal with the circumstances of what has been, it is more that I cannot comprehend a reason why you choose to be this way, other than it must be me.

Every opportunity I have to let you know me more and I to know you I won't miss.  I have known somewhere inside of me you are here, you are here to support me, to love me, to cherish me, to listen to me, and to somehow make yourself present in my existence.  I often feel this overwhelming looseness in my chest that seems to be the idea that I cannot do anything to fail or overcome your love for me, and you will always be my father.  I am still a small boy in the sense of believing you are always holding me, and I didn't do anything for you it is just because you love me.  I get a sense of belonging to something, finally I fit in this spot, not only fit, it was molded for me, my existence is that spot of belonging in your love for me.  In what seems to always be a dream that you are here with me is now taking part of my reality, it is becoming more truth in my life than it is a hopeful belief.  It isn't so much that I can't deal with the circumstances of what has been, it is more that I cannot comprehend a reason why you choose to love me this way, why you choose to be my father, why you choose to save my life from myself mostly, why you choose to let me rest in your love, why you choose to show me another side of life, why you choose to have me, other than it must be me.