Got an Itch

Shaping the gift of a relationship with God is extremely hard.  It is probably the hardest thing I will ever try to do.  Currently I am wondering about the idea of living a disciplined life with God.  I understand the idea that I am a sinful person, or I live in a fallen world therefore I will ultimately live a fallen life.  I struggle with idea behind the discipline.  If I am disciplined, it means I will adhere to God's conviction in my life.  But is that really me?  Is that my core self being myself, or am I just disciplined enough to follow God's path of righteousness.  I can always understand the idea that when I struggle to not point something about someone else, or do something that God does not approve of that it takes discipline for me to decide to follow him over my fallen human way.  I get that.  Why can't I ever just not have those fixations to do something against God if that is who I truly am?  Why do I have to be at opposite ends with myself, and myself as a disciplined "follower?" It is like constantly having an itch that you want to scratch, but you know you shouldn't because it will ultimately lead you to keep scratching.  Or it will somehow make the next itch far easier to reach and just scratch.  I struggle with finding my true identity in the mix, which I am sure I am not the only one and won't be the last.  It is just the frustration of trying to understand why I can't have my identity in God or know myself through God's eyes to the point of not really needed to notice that something itches.  I am finding that most struggles usually relate to not allowing God completely in my life.  It is only possible for me to be undisciplined without God in my life.  So, maybe it isn't so much that I am acting out of discipline or not, just that I am trusting God with my life, my core identity to the point of knowing what is truth and what isn't.  If I don't allow God to present my identity for what it is, it is the only other option to try to let it surface somewhere else that isn't correct.  I tend to get confused with this seemingly grey area.  I think if I didn't want to do things against God I wouldn't have this problem, so why do I want to do things that I shouldn't do.  Well, I usually start to itch when I am uncomfortable, and I am usually uncomfortable when I know I am not following God's truth in my life but following my own ideas.  Maybe an itch isn't always an itch, but an uncomfortable twinge of recognition that I am starting to go into uncharted areas and leaving someone behind.  My discipline should be more focused on keeping God in the forefront of my life, rather than wondering why I am making fallen choices in a fallen world.