A place where I can go

If there is somewhere I could drive to meet you, I would drive until the sun went down and the moon and stars disappear into tomorrow, just to see you.

If there is a long enough distances for me to run to finally meet you, I would run until I knew you were there.

If there is a path for me to walk on that leads me to your arms, I would walk until I could finally feel your embrace.

If there is a place I can go, somewhere, anywhere, I will go to be with you.  Eternally I will keep following you to this place.  A place where I'm no longer alone.  A place where I know you love me because I just know you do.  A place where I can finally rest.  The idea of rest makes me want to fall asleep and meet you in my dreams.  A place where I no longer yearn for you because I am there with you.  A place where dreams are the illusion, and you consume my thoughts.  A place where the father becomes the son, and the son becomes the father.  A place where I know the truth of my life.  A place where I become me; a me that has always been in your spoken words of truth.  A place where I stop and you begin.  A place I can call home.  A place where love is the only language to be spoken, thought, and enjoyed.  A place where my pace is no longer its own, but it's running with yours.  A place to know only my core, my soul, and the name you will call me.  A place to be a son.  A place to sit in your presence and be home.  If there is a place I can go, somewhere, anywhere, I'll see you there.

It's a Problem

I had to do this stupid training for work the other day, well I thought it was stupid.  It was about lean thinking and how to perform your job better, I guess.  While I was trying to get myself to pay attention to the annoying person they had doing the voice for the training, I actually heard something that made so much sense to me out of nowhere.  It was talking about how we need to know what we are doing wrong to make progress, and we have to understand our problems to fix them and make things better.  If you don't have a problem, that's a problem.  That sentence really hit me.  I really sat and thought how I was raised to deal with problems, or difficulties that I will face.  I realized that I was shown frequently that when you have a problem with something or someone, you get rid of it or them and start over.  I never learned that problems can be good because you can grow something or make something better.  You can see problems and struggles and learn to correct them.  That's how life really works.  You can't afford to scrap everything and start over, especially the older you get.  I realized if I am to really believe in something at my core, which is what I would say I do with God, then I should reflect what I believe to be true.  What a disturbing thought that is.  I reflect a character that doesn't try very hard at most things, and gives up on the challenging and vulnerable tasks only to start all over again.  I don't think I would believe in God if that is what God was like.  I should grow in that relationship enough to learn that God hasn't given up or replaced me just because I have problems, or I am difficult to deal with.  God still loves me thoroughly because that is who God is.  He wants to deal with the problems to make a better me, but I have to be able to admit the problems to work them out.  I have to understand they exist to show me a different way than the one that consistently doesn't work.  It's a problem to not have problems, and I got problems.

Sin comes over more sin

I along with probably many people believe that I can withhold my sin from my own life. I can somehow say that my sins are not controlling me, I am just making poor decisions from time to time, but sin is not my ruler, I am. It is false. I am not my own ruler, or if I am I rule myself foolishly in believing I can conquer sin with more sin. I can make myself believe that what I am doing isn't actually sin, or what I am doing is not going to always be what I do. Although that may be true, maybe someday I won't be making the same mistakes; it is a mistake to assume that my sin doesn't over power me to make sinful decisions. It is my sinful nature that drives me to cover up my wrong doings with more wrong doings. It is consuming my spirit into nothingness, breaking my spirit into believing the sin I am choosing is not that bad, or it is not abnormal, so it is ok. I don't want to be ok, or normal. I want to be abnormal with God. I can no longer admit that I rule over myself. I can no longer dismiss the idea that my sins have over powered me into believing I can stop whenever I choose or I am actually ruling over myself. Who would choose this life of death if they were truly aware of what it means. I will sleep in death, but by my own consciousness. I believe sin drives all of us to reverse what we see as holy and pure. Nobody wants to be their own judge and judge rightly. It is too hard to break ourselves down, and then understand God's grace. It is far easier to let sin rule its sinful way; by telling yourself that whatever your sin is, it is not in control over you, it possess no power over you, and you can decide to stop and go back the other way at anytime. More and more and more sin, equates to more and more and more imprisonment to sin. The only way to stop sin, is to stop sinning. Simple, but it is impossible to do on our own. I need God's love to show me how to understand that if I keep pretending that sin holds no power over me, then I will eventually give myself over completely to sin. I have to choose God's grace to protect me from the wayward ways of my life. I cannot not live in sin, I cannot live in believing that I rule over sin, and I cannot ignore God's call for me to make a choice into giving my control over to him. I cannot do it on my own anymore. I keep ending in failure, brokenness, and hopelessness. Graces comes over more grace, and it is always stronger than sin. God's love will always prevail over sin if I choose to listen to his grace over my own sin.