Mistaken Love

Mistakes or wrong choices in life, most of the time, are what breaks down and destroys one's own soul. I don't know how it works exactly, because I am sure anyone who has been ashamed or felt remorse for a mistake would choose not to feel the unwavering torment that you are no longer innocent. You're broken inside from all of the mistakes and wrong doings, and no matter how hard you try to be better or different nothing will make it disappear or be forgotten. It is something your body and brain react to together, making yourself feel so worthless. If you could control it, those feelings, you would certainly go easier on yourself, but you can't control it and it is always written on your life. If your life is a mural, it is so disorganized and smeared that you sometimes don't recognize it. That is the kind of guilt and shame I am talking about, the kind you can't say oh everyone does that, or I didn't know any better, or have an excuse for it at all. It is in those times, those moments, that you feel alone and unlovable. There is no explanation for it or why you do things that are just wrong. We all have a need to be seen or feel like we are perfect, and maybe that is the feeling when we do wrong it is just one step closer to being imperfect. So, once you make a mistake and screw up you are no longer perfect, you are no longer innocent. I think that is when we don't see a way out and just keep doing things to cover the pain of that self rejection or try to forget it. I never get over this part of finding God right in the middle of my messy ugly imperfect life. I am so unfaithful to God's love towards me, I have mistaken his love for me no matter what I do. His love breaks down that barrier of needing to be perfect, or needing to be innocent. I am not sure that God forgets what I have done more than he loves me with all of my mistakes and wrong choices. I wouldn't be me without all my choices, and mistakes are choices I have made. I believe God accepts what I have done, and knows deep down inside I punish myself more than anyone else could. Instead of dismissing me to an eternal hellish dwelling along with my mistakes, instead of simply rewriting over my own existence and saying he has forgotten, I think and hope Jesus shows up all messy and unorganized like a child who doesn't judge me for being mistaken, and just hugs me for who I am. Deep in that love I'll forget what I have done, God won't, but I will. I know I am with and for him and he is with me. That makes me perfect enough.

Stolen Identity

I know deep in my being who I am. I know who I am to identify with and listen too, but I lose my concentration to focus on what is true. Someone stole my identity, my place in this world is being replaced by a me that wasn't suppose to exist. That me is a person who knows itself but is so lost that it cannot find what is true or false about itself. I've some how been hurt into being this person; a person just existing without purpose. I know somewhere I believe what it is true for a moment, but then it is painted over with all the ugliness in my life. I don't know how to get back what has been taken from me. I don't know how to get back the pieces of me that I have given away. Maybe my purpose is finding this person I am suppose to be, instead of a reflection of someone who used to be here. I love God with all my heart, but I know nothing about what love takes to stay constant. I keep losing that battle with myself and who I want to be. I know the truth is for me to grow I have to hold on to my belief that God loves me and he is right here with me. I can't give up and I can't afford to lack the trust to keep existing this way. I have stolen my own Identity to become someone I am not, but I am who I am. Which one is it, which one will I fully become? Will I always exist in this hybrid of the two? No I cannot. I must struggle through the pain to find someone old and someone new.

Everything for Nothing

As a human, sometimes I get this funny idea that I am pretty great. I sometimes think that I can do a lot of great things for other people; I could help save humanity or something. I get the idea that it is me, that I create that ability somehow to help people. I take the credit for the good I do, but if I do nothing or I do wrong, I then question God and how this whole idea of life operates. I forget that I am just a human being, I forget that I am incapable of doing these things without serving my own purpose. I have to first die to myself and live for Christ, it is the only true way to accomplish anything by his own means. I can be a part of the body, but never the whole. It was just made clear to me, that while I am still adjusting to this life of love and sacrifice, I am not used to being anything for anyone. I grew up with the idea that nobody does anything for anyone else without the motivation for something in return. At least I have not experienced different from that idea. Not to take credit away from my own parents, but sometimes I think responsibility played the part of being a parent more than loving a child. Maybe that's the human capacity at times, to love someone is just being responsible for them. After all the processing, I was enlightened that God became a person, just as I, for no other reason than to love me. Becoming a nobody, to die for every rotten thing on this planet( basically all things), and it was all for nothing; So that I have a chance at love with the father. All have a chance at love with the father. I love underdog stories for this very reason, nobody believes in them up until the end when they understand the meaning of their triumphant win. It means, no matter the circumstance, no matter how far of a long shot it may seem, and no matter how much people don't believe, all have a shot. All have a reason for hope because it is the fathers love for everything, and we get it for nothing.

Fleeting moments

I might cry about something, and I might laugh about something. I might become angry over something, and I might become glad over something. All of these emotions last for a few fleeting moments in my mind; I can revisit them if I want to remember, but the thoughts only last for a few moments once again. One of the hardest things in life is revisiting a moment that has never stopped. An itch that doesn't get scratched, a hunger that goes on and never satisfied, a missing piece that is irreplaceable, not found. Longing for something or someone is the never fleeting moment that can only cease to repeat when I am ready to relinquish it to my provider. When I realize it is always going to be hard, and it will always be a part of my mind. I cannot control it, I cannot erase it, I cannot let it go, but I can love it and all it represents to me. I can grow with it to the end. It is a part of my life, and I will be a part of the life it exists in.

Hope in the Heart

A longing for something that is almost reachable but just out of reach is the hope that shuffles in and out of life.  Days apart from what is known as hope are what keep the heart alive and pounding.  It doesn't give up on the unknown future because it has hope locked inside.  If it knew the unknown final product of which it hopes for, it would be finished.  Nothing else will ease this hunger, except to keep going and live out its future.  Hope and love do not give up the fight, they contribute to the searching of the heart's desire.

Regrets

I often wonder what it is that makes a person choose to be different under different circumstances.  I believe regret is one of the things that holds a part of the brain captive in making decisions that will change a person's life.  What is it that regret really does for a person's thought to discover that this decision might cause something a person will regret?  I think it is more important to recognize the regret and to travel backwards to what choices made this regret possible.  Finding out what happened before the decision that a person regrets is more crucial to making a better choice in the future than just focusing on the regret itself.  So also, when focusing on who do I want to be in life, I find it more helpful to focus on who do I not want to be in this life.  If a person can stick to that line of consciousness, I believe they will find the answers they are searching for.  Regrets often come and go, but who a person is in between those circumstances is what makes regret possible and what makes becoming who you don't want to be, who you shouldn't be, possible.

Battle Cry

Go to war against me.  Invade my shores and battle to overtake all my harbors until they are under your mighty hand.  March through my cities and burn them out.  Let nothing that is not born of you dwell here.  Ravage my identity that only exists for my own land, that has not been given to me.  Turn all my barricades into graves for the foolishness and deception that must die.  I pray to go to battle with you and lose.  Let me not be successful in defending my territory to your spirit.  Take all the parts of my heart, soul, and mind that have been turned against you, and destroy what is necessary to take captive all that is able to be refined in your loving fire; let the rest burn as nothingness.  When every part of my land has been turned over and wiped desolate of anything unworthy of existing in love, plant a mustard seed of your love.  Let the seed flourish in my soul, and bring forth new hope in my land.  Let my heart be purified and new in this old place.  Let the love of the father grow deep and rich in this land of hopefulness.  Continue to battle with me as the loving father who always understands the naive son who goes against his father.  Let your light be reflective in what you plant here.  What is born from you shall be my new heart with your name set upon it forever.

Song of Songs 8:6  Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.  It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.