Enduring prayer

My heart knows the truth, that with every heartbeat I am here because you love me.  My mind is distracted from the truth, by every new action that exists causes another reaction for my mind to be contained with distraction.  Clear my mind, renew my heart, and wash my soul in your love, and I'll be full of peace and righteousness.  I'll know your love has not abandoned me.  I have abandoned your loving grasp of my life, but I wish to try, try, and try again.  I know your grace and love makes this a possible reality, not just a beggar's wish.  So I beg; try, try, and try again with your enduring love.

Got an Itch

Shaping the gift of a relationship with God is extremely hard.  It is probably the hardest thing I will ever try to do.  Currently I am wondering about the idea of living a disciplined life with God.  I understand the idea that I am a sinful person, or I live in a fallen world therefore I will ultimately live a fallen life.  I struggle with idea behind the discipline.  If I am disciplined, it means I will adhere to God's conviction in my life.  But is that really me?  Is that my core self being myself, or am I just disciplined enough to follow God's path of righteousness.  I can always understand the idea that when I struggle to not point something about someone else, or do something that God does not approve of that it takes discipline for me to decide to follow him over my fallen human way.  I get that.  Why can't I ever just not have those fixations to do something against God if that is who I truly am?  Why do I have to be at opposite ends with myself, and myself as a disciplined "follower?" It is like constantly having an itch that you want to scratch, but you know you shouldn't because it will ultimately lead you to keep scratching.  Or it will somehow make the next itch far easier to reach and just scratch.  I struggle with finding my true identity in the mix, which I am sure I am not the only one and won't be the last.  It is just the frustration of trying to understand why I can't have my identity in God or know myself through God's eyes to the point of not really needed to notice that something itches.  I am finding that most struggles usually relate to not allowing God completely in my life.  It is only possible for me to be undisciplined without God in my life.  So, maybe it isn't so much that I am acting out of discipline or not, just that I am trusting God with my life, my core identity to the point of knowing what is truth and what isn't.  If I don't allow God to present my identity for what it is, it is the only other option to try to let it surface somewhere else that isn't correct.  I tend to get confused with this seemingly grey area.  I think if I didn't want to do things against God I wouldn't have this problem, so why do I want to do things that I shouldn't do.  Well, I usually start to itch when I am uncomfortable, and I am usually uncomfortable when I know I am not following God's truth in my life but following my own ideas.  Maybe an itch isn't always an itch, but an uncomfortable twinge of recognition that I am starting to go into uncharted areas and leaving someone behind.  My discipline should be more focused on keeping God in the forefront of my life, rather than wondering why I am making fallen choices in a fallen world.

A place where I can go

If there is somewhere I could drive to meet you, I would drive until the sun went down and the moon and stars disappear into tomorrow, just to see you.

If there is a long enough distances for me to run to finally meet you, I would run until I knew you were there.

If there is a path for me to walk on that leads me to your arms, I would walk until I could finally feel your embrace.

If there is a place I can go, somewhere, anywhere, I will go to be with you.  Eternally I will keep following you to this place.  A place where I'm no longer alone.  A place where I know you love me because I just know you do.  A place where I can finally rest.  The idea of rest makes me want to fall asleep and meet you in my dreams.  A place where I no longer yearn for you because I am there with you.  A place where dreams are the illusion, and you consume my thoughts.  A place where the father becomes the son, and the son becomes the father.  A place where I know the truth of my life.  A place where I become me; a me that has always been in your spoken words of truth.  A place where I stop and you begin.  A place I can call home.  A place where love is the only language to be spoken, thought, and enjoyed.  A place where my pace is no longer its own, but it's running with yours.  A place to know only my core, my soul, and the name you will call me.  A place to be a son.  A place to sit in your presence and be home.  If there is a place I can go, somewhere, anywhere, I'll see you there.

It's a Problem

I had to do this stupid training for work the other day, well I thought it was stupid.  It was about lean thinking and how to perform your job better, I guess.  While I was trying to get myself to pay attention to the annoying person they had doing the voice for the training, I actually heard something that made so much sense to me out of nowhere.  It was talking about how we need to know what we are doing wrong to make progress, and we have to understand our problems to fix them and make things better.  If you don't have a problem, that's a problem.  That sentence really hit me.  I really sat and thought how I was raised to deal with problems, or difficulties that I will face.  I realized that I was shown frequently that when you have a problem with something or someone, you get rid of it or them and start over.  I never learned that problems can be good because you can grow something or make something better.  You can see problems and struggles and learn to correct them.  That's how life really works.  You can't afford to scrap everything and start over, especially the older you get.  I realized if I am to really believe in something at my core, which is what I would say I do with God, then I should reflect what I believe to be true.  What a disturbing thought that is.  I reflect a character that doesn't try very hard at most things, and gives up on the challenging and vulnerable tasks only to start all over again.  I don't think I would believe in God if that is what God was like.  I should grow in that relationship enough to learn that God hasn't given up or replaced me just because I have problems, or I am difficult to deal with.  God still loves me thoroughly because that is who God is.  He wants to deal with the problems to make a better me, but I have to be able to admit the problems to work them out.  I have to understand they exist to show me a different way than the one that consistently doesn't work.  It's a problem to not have problems, and I got problems.

Sin comes over more sin

I along with probably many people believe that I can withhold my sin from my own life. I can somehow say that my sins are not controlling me, I am just making poor decisions from time to time, but sin is not my ruler, I am. It is false. I am not my own ruler, or if I am I rule myself foolishly in believing I can conquer sin with more sin. I can make myself believe that what I am doing isn't actually sin, or what I am doing is not going to always be what I do. Although that may be true, maybe someday I won't be making the same mistakes; it is a mistake to assume that my sin doesn't over power me to make sinful decisions. It is my sinful nature that drives me to cover up my wrong doings with more wrong doings. It is consuming my spirit into nothingness, breaking my spirit into believing the sin I am choosing is not that bad, or it is not abnormal, so it is ok. I don't want to be ok, or normal. I want to be abnormal with God. I can no longer admit that I rule over myself. I can no longer dismiss the idea that my sins have over powered me into believing I can stop whenever I choose or I am actually ruling over myself. Who would choose this life of death if they were truly aware of what it means. I will sleep in death, but by my own consciousness. I believe sin drives all of us to reverse what we see as holy and pure. Nobody wants to be their own judge and judge rightly. It is too hard to break ourselves down, and then understand God's grace. It is far easier to let sin rule its sinful way; by telling yourself that whatever your sin is, it is not in control over you, it possess no power over you, and you can decide to stop and go back the other way at anytime. More and more and more sin, equates to more and more and more imprisonment to sin. The only way to stop sin, is to stop sinning. Simple, but it is impossible to do on our own. I need God's love to show me how to understand that if I keep pretending that sin holds no power over me, then I will eventually give myself over completely to sin. I have to choose God's grace to protect me from the wayward ways of my life. I cannot not live in sin, I cannot live in believing that I rule over sin, and I cannot ignore God's call for me to make a choice into giving my control over to him. I cannot do it on my own anymore. I keep ending in failure, brokenness, and hopelessness. Graces comes over more grace, and it is always stronger than sin. God's love will always prevail over sin if I choose to listen to his grace over my own sin.

Mistaken Love

Mistakes or wrong choices in life, most of the time, are what breaks down and destroys one's own soul. I don't know how it works exactly, because I am sure anyone who has been ashamed or felt remorse for a mistake would choose not to feel the unwavering torment that you are no longer innocent. You're broken inside from all of the mistakes and wrong doings, and no matter how hard you try to be better or different nothing will make it disappear or be forgotten. It is something your body and brain react to together, making yourself feel so worthless. If you could control it, those feelings, you would certainly go easier on yourself, but you can't control it and it is always written on your life. If your life is a mural, it is so disorganized and smeared that you sometimes don't recognize it. That is the kind of guilt and shame I am talking about, the kind you can't say oh everyone does that, or I didn't know any better, or have an excuse for it at all. It is in those times, those moments, that you feel alone and unlovable. There is no explanation for it or why you do things that are just wrong. We all have a need to be seen or feel like we are perfect, and maybe that is the feeling when we do wrong it is just one step closer to being imperfect. So, once you make a mistake and screw up you are no longer perfect, you are no longer innocent. I think that is when we don't see a way out and just keep doing things to cover the pain of that self rejection or try to forget it. I never get over this part of finding God right in the middle of my messy ugly imperfect life. I am so unfaithful to God's love towards me, I have mistaken his love for me no matter what I do. His love breaks down that barrier of needing to be perfect, or needing to be innocent. I am not sure that God forgets what I have done more than he loves me with all of my mistakes and wrong choices. I wouldn't be me without all my choices, and mistakes are choices I have made. I believe God accepts what I have done, and knows deep down inside I punish myself more than anyone else could. Instead of dismissing me to an eternal hellish dwelling along with my mistakes, instead of simply rewriting over my own existence and saying he has forgotten, I think and hope Jesus shows up all messy and unorganized like a child who doesn't judge me for being mistaken, and just hugs me for who I am. Deep in that love I'll forget what I have done, God won't, but I will. I know I am with and for him and he is with me. That makes me perfect enough.

Stolen Identity

I know deep in my being who I am. I know who I am to identify with and listen too, but I lose my concentration to focus on what is true. Someone stole my identity, my place in this world is being replaced by a me that wasn't suppose to exist. That me is a person who knows itself but is so lost that it cannot find what is true or false about itself. I've some how been hurt into being this person; a person just existing without purpose. I know somewhere I believe what it is true for a moment, but then it is painted over with all the ugliness in my life. I don't know how to get back what has been taken from me. I don't know how to get back the pieces of me that I have given away. Maybe my purpose is finding this person I am suppose to be, instead of a reflection of someone who used to be here. I love God with all my heart, but I know nothing about what love takes to stay constant. I keep losing that battle with myself and who I want to be. I know the truth is for me to grow I have to hold on to my belief that God loves me and he is right here with me. I can't give up and I can't afford to lack the trust to keep existing this way. I have stolen my own Identity to become someone I am not, but I am who I am. Which one is it, which one will I fully become? Will I always exist in this hybrid of the two? No I cannot. I must struggle through the pain to find someone old and someone new.